[Tom Hiddleston and NPC Lily]. Hard Truths
Nov. 1st, 2016 12:56 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
cit_hiddlestonAbout a week after Tom runs into Robert... and Robert runs into Ken Branagh.
[Warning for discussion of an incompatible dominant/submissive dynamic, including a non-masochist trying to force himself to like pain for his dominant's sake. The situations themselves are mild, and only discussed, not on screen, but the emotional impact is explored.]
Tom hands the menu to the server and sinks back into his seat as he picks up his book.
Eating at Citadel is a safe bet now, if he wants to be out and about for a meal he doesn't have to cook himself, but if he also wants privacy. Anonymity doesn't really happen even here, but the privacy is perfect. Ken will be by later, after rehearsals, but Tom has a few hours just to be alone, but not at home.
He reaches for his tea cup without taking his eyes off the page, but over extends and ends up knocking his spoon off the table. He sighs as he puts his book down to lean over and find the spoon.
"Lovely boots," he says to the feet that arrive before he can straighten up.
"Nice arse," the voice belonging to the feet says. "At least it was... I'm assuming that some things haven't changed."
Tom recognises that voice. He stands up, and actually lifts one hand to his mouth as the other puts the spoon down on the table. His eyes go very wide and he says, "Lily?"
She laughs, eyes sparkling up at him. "You always did like my boots."
"You can pull them off in ways I never could," says Tom.
(This was always likely because of the fact that Tom is a solid foot taller than Lily. In four inch heels, Tom would even tower over his favourite Chris.)
He reaches out and touches a pale curl that tumbles over Lily's shoulder. "You let your hair grow out," he adds. "I like it."
"It was one of the first things I did after Nigel released me," Lily explains, still smiling at Tom. "I think you got taller."
"No, no, I'm standing, love. Standing. I'm not sure you've ever seen me do that."
She laughs, shaking her head. "Now that's likely very true," she admits. "There was a time I wasn't sure that you could walk, since you were always kneeling or crawling."
"That's how Andrew liked me best." Tom gestures to his table. "Do you have time to join me?"
"Yes, if you're sure," Lily says. "I wouldn't want to impose."
"You're not imposing at all," Tom assures her, pulling out a chair.
"Then I'd be glad to join you," she says, taking a seat and settling in at the table. "I imagine that these days it's hard to get time alone without someone trying to take a piece of it," Lily says. "I promise, I won't ask for an autograph for my mum or anything like that," she adds, giving him a poke with the toe of her boot.
Tom smiles indulgently. "I'm grateful for that," he says. "But yours is a very welcome face. You aren't a stranger. But... how long has it been now? Seven years? At that thing, you know, that little party Ian Williams held."
"Ian Williams... yes, I remember that," Lily says, nodding slowly. "As I recall, you didn't spent much of any time on your feet there either."
Tom laughs. "No, I didn't. Ian was always an artist with ropes, and Andrew would tell him what a beautiful canvas I make."
"Exactly. And I know that you're Tom Hiddleston, movie star, but..." Lily reaches across the table and touches his cheek with the tips of her fingers. "I look at you, and I see Thomas, Andrew's beautiful, sinfully young boy."
Tom smiles and takes her hand. "And a part of me always will be," he says. "What about you, though? What trouble are you getting into now?"
"Trouble," Lily scoffs, tossing her blond curls, eyes sparkling again. "I am a very, very good girl, as you well know," she teases. "As I said... Nigel released me some time ago," she says. "He wouldn't admit it, but I know it was because I got too old for him. He sponsored me here and paid for my membership for a year when he let me go."
"Too old," says Tom, sighing and shaking his head. "You still don't look a day over twenty-three, love. But it's good that he sponsored you in. I've only been a member for three years--well, not even that."
"You should see his latest girl... if I didn't know that they were strict about age limits here..." Lily shakes her head. "It worked out for me, in the end," she says, hand coming up to play with her collar. "They wanted someone who fit in their lives, not just someone who looked as young as legally possible. But what about you?" she asks.
Tom hesitates. "Oh... I've had some adventures," he says.
"Haven't we all?" Lily murmurs. "I know it was hard for you, after Andrew."
A server comes by with soup and salad for Tom and he looks instantly relieved for the interruption when the server asks Lily if she needs anything. Trepidation creeps back onto Tom's face when the server departs again. "Well... you know how often I've worked with Sir Kenneth over my career, don't you?"
"Sure," Lily says, leaning back in her chair. "You've done a bit of everything with him, haven't you? Plays, television, Thor, of course."
"And he's been my Sir Ken off and on for years. Years."
One of Lily's perfectly plucked eyebrows goes up. "Really? Well done, Thomas," she says, before she frowns. "Wait... why off and on?"
Tom hesitates again. He swirls his spoon idly through his soup, then drops it and sits back. "We love each other," says Tom. "I think we always will. He's taught me so much, but he needs a boy who likes pain. And I... I've ended up... I try, I try so hard for him, I do, but I can't..." He scrubs a hand through his hair.
"Tom..." Lily's frown deepens, and she reaches for his hand. "You don't like pain. I know that--I remember that," she says. "That's not something that you can just learn to take if it's not in you. Does he..." she hesitates. It's been a long time since she's seen him, longer since they were close, but in this moment, once again, she sees Andrew's Thomas across from her. "Tom, is he trying to make you into something you're not?"
"No," says Tom, quickly, shaking his head. "No, he would never. He loves me. But we do this dance, we've been doing it for a decade now. We get together, and everything is wonderful, and he dotes on me. He treats me so well, but I know that there are things he wants and needs, and he won't get them from somewhere else. He never even brought me here! He didn't want me to know, Lily. He didn't want me to know or worry that there was a way he could easily find a boy that he could..." He shakes his head. "So I try. I go to him, and I ask him to... but it always ends up with me a crying mess, or worse--with him using his safeword to end it because I can't."
She squeezes his hand. "You can't turn yourself into a masochist for him any more than I could turn myself back into an eighteen year old for Nigel, Tom," Lily says quietly.
"Sometimes I just feel like Andrew ruined me for anyone else," says Tom. "My first real relationship, and he showed me this side of myself that is as intrinsic to my being as my sexuality, and we fit together perfectly because he had no interest in my pain, and I can barely find anyone else who isn't interested in spanking me at the very least. Not until..." He hesitates again. "I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous. You didn't come here to be my agony aunt, I'm sure."
"Perhaps not, but I'm here, Tom. And I understand. You know that I do," Lily says. She hesitates for a few moments, watching his face carefully. "Who sponsored you, Tom?" she asks quietly. "You said it yourself--Ken didn't bring you here, which means someone else did."
"Ah. Well. Someone... very special. I worked with him. We, ah, spent a very exhausting few days abroad, doing promotion for a movie, and then the next thing I knew he brought me to the local Citadel branch after we spent an extraordinary weekend having a great deal of sex. We were there for a week. It was glorious. We tried to keep in touch, and we saw each other several times, but after two years it was just... gone. He's very busy. Very... busy." He laughs, almost bitterly. "It was remarkable, and you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you who he was. Is."
"I've been a Citadel member for longer than you, Tom... there's a lot I've seen, and a lot I can believe," Lily says. "But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. He sponsored you when you were off again with Ken, and after that..."
"He's the biggest movie star in the world. That's why it seems strange to say it--to tell someone who he is."
Lily nods slowly. "Almost like you can't quite believe it yourself?" she guesses. "Like it's rude, or arrogant to say it out loud?"
"Yes. Who runs around saying, 'Why, yes, I have fellated Iron Man and it was delightful, thank you'? I mean, I can run around saying it, but I don't, because who would honestly believe that?"
She gives his hand a tighter squeeze. "Anyone who knows you, because we know that you're not the type to lie, or brag. He was special, wasn't he?"
Tom closes his eyes. For a moment, all he can do is nod. Then he looks at Lily again. "But it seemed as though I just wasn't special enough for him to try to keep me. I was so... but then I did a thing, and Ken was there, and I suppose I slipped and fell on his cock."
"And you're back to trying to turn yourself into something you're not, once again, even though you know better."
Tom sighs and nods. "And we were in LA a week ago... I ran into Robert."
She winces. "Was it awful?"
"Seeing him again, it was like... coming home. Slipping into comfortable clothes. I shouldn't have been shocked to see him, but... Ken sent me to get him a glass of wine, and there was Robert. I would recognise him from across the room. I've had a crush on him since I was twelve, Lily. Twelve!"
"Oh, Tom," she says softly. "But if he just let you drift, didn't make an effort... you didn't do anything wrong by moving on. At least not as far as Robert is concerned. Whether it was the best choice for you is a different story, of course, but he can't blame you for that."
Tom shakes his head, distressed. "Ken came looking for me, of course. It shouldn't have taken more than a moment or two to get a glass of wine. And he showed up behind me, put his hand on my neck, and... and it just got so unbearably awkward. There was chitchat, and suddenly he was inviting Robert to eat with us. At a table for two. So I had to kneel there, and I hesitated, and I spoke out of turn and... and I know Ken did it all on purpose. He wanted to hurt Robert, but Robert barely reacted at all. He was just..." Tom shakes his head.
"We fit together so well. He wasn't interested in hurting me--physically--and he let me take care of him when we were together in ways that Ken doesn't need or want me to. But I wasn't enough, obviously, and I can't be enough for Ken, either, and I've never seen him like that. Ever. He was petty. He was never rude, he never did anything he shouldn't have. But he was just--it was almost cruel. But at the same time..." He shakes his head. "I was so thrown by everything that I misbehaved. In public."
"I don't wonder that you did, love," Lily says. "He shouldn't have just expected that of you. Not under those circumstances. I'd have safeworded," she admits. "But unless you have drastically changed, that's not you."
Tom sighs. "I know I have a safeword, and its purpose, but I just... don't use it. I know, it's very foolish. Andrew never gave me reason to. And nothing that was happening was inappropriate. Or bad. I was--I am--Ken's boy. He put me on my knees, at his feet, where I belong. And I was the one hesitating, speaking out of turn, not hurrying back to him." He'd been bad, and the very thought filled him with so much dread, that he'd spent the rest of the day--and night--being on his very best behaviour.
Not that Ken punished him. Ken never punishes him for anything. Tom isn't the sort of boy who needs it. He knows when he's misbehaved, and he corrects himself.
He shakes his head. "It just rather feels as though no one wants me."
"You said it yourself, Tom. He did it on purpose. He used your relationship, your dynamic, to be cruel to your former lover. If he'd done it to make you feel cherished, protected, that would have been different, but that's not what you described to me." Lily sighs, giving her head a bit of a shake.
"I've never seen that side of him before," Tom says, speaking to the table.
"I'm assuming that he knew that you and Robert had been together. You've had other lovers when you and Ken weren't together, but he's never acted like this before?"
"Never," says Tom. "But... well, many moons ago, Robert and Ken did a movie together and it went poorly. This was before Robert went to jail, before he got clean, turned his life around."
"So he doesn't like Robert personally. Doesn't like that you were with him. No wonder-" Lily cut herself off, shaking her head. "Sorry. Not my place."
"No wonder he used me to hurt him."
"That. And no wonder he's willing to let you keep trying to turn yourself into a masochist for him," she says, her turn to speak to the table.
Tom flinches. "I just want to make him happy."
"I know."
"He's my sir. My dom and I need to be a good boy for him."
"Yes, you do. And part of that is knowing your limits. Do you enjoy pain? For your own sake, or if not, do you enjoy it for his sake? Does knowing that it brings him pride and pleasure, that you're enduring it for him, does it make it bearable?"
"I don't like it. I try to, but... but I think it hurts him, too. He doesn't like it when I'm gritting my teeth and doing it again and again, just for him. He hates that I'm 'enduring it'... and I think that he hates it that I keep asking to try, because he can't seem to say no. He wants me to want it. To like it. And so it starts all over again, when I literally crawl to him and ask him to spank me."
"He should be saying no," Lily says, voice still very soft. "It's his job. As long as he has that hope, that expectation, you're going to keep trying to meet it, whether you should or not. Because all you've ever wanted is to be someone's good boy."
Tom closes his eyes and nods. He knows this. Deep down, he knows this.
His soup and tea must have gone cold by now. He sighs and looks at Lily again. "I thought I was a good boy for Robert."
"Personally? I think you can do better than either of them," Lily says bluntly. "But if nothing else, Robert shows you that Andrew wasn't the only dom in the world who wanted a submissive, but not a masochist. You don't have to settle, and you certainly don't need to try and turn yourself into something you're not."
Tom manages to give Lily a genuine, though small, smile. "Perhaps you're right."
"Of course I am," she says, with another toss of her perfect curls. "That doesn't mean it's easy to hear... or to change."
"You're likely very right about that, too."
"I think you deserve to be happy," Lily says. "And I remember what you looked like when you were."
"What did I look like then, besides ridiculously young?"
"At peace," Lily says. "Even though you were ridiculously young, even though you were still learning, you had such peace. Such certainty of who and what you were."
Tom sighs softly. "Because I was--I did. I was someone's boy. Someone's good boy. I didn't have to be anything else."
"You still don't," Lily says. "You just need the right person."
Tom nods. "You have no idea how gutted I felt when Robert just..." He shook his head. "And how disappointed I am in Ken."
"Andrew would have wanted better for you. Insisted you deserved better. No, they're not abusive or monsters, but it doesn't sound like either of them put you first," Lily says.
Tom hesitates, sighs, and shakes his head. "No, it doesn't, does it?" His lips twitch into a sad little smile. "I suppose being a member of Citadel means I might have better luck finding someone who will let me be a boy the way Andrew did. Who wants those same things."
"It does," Lily says. "It removes so much of the guesswork when you can look people up by profile."
Tom sighs, finally pushes his food away, and crosses his elbows on the table as he leans forward. "It's just that Robert and I were so compatible... perfectly so. Everything fit together, Lily. Everything. I just can't figure out what I did wrong besides be in a different part of the world."
"Maybe that is the only thing that was wrong," Lily says. "Was he blowing you off, or was it legitimate?"
"He wasn't blowing me off," says Tom, slowly. "We kept missing each other... contact got further and further apart... he was so, so busy."
"If that isn't ever going to change, then you're better off without him," Lily says. "But you seem more broken up about losing him than you do about the man who is currently your dominant."
"Ken and I have done this dance before. I've broken his heart before. I can be the bad guy again if I need to."
"He's not innocent in this either, Tom. Yes, you should know better than to keep trying for something that isn't you, but he keeps allowing it because he hopes this time it will take."
"Do you have any idea how badly I want to be able to like it? To take it?"
"Yes. And I know that it's as likely to work if you keep forcing it as if you tried to force yourself to like women sexually by eating me out over and over again."
Tom sighs and scrubs a hand over his hair. "I know. I do. I suppose this is just... something I have to do for myself."
"You don't have to do it all alone," Lily says. "No reason it needs to be seven years until we speak again."
Tom smiles and reaches for her hand. "It really is silly of us not to have kept in touch. We've known each other so long."
"It's hard to know how to go out and approach someone who's become terribly famous, particularly when you were there for some of the naughtier bits of their past," Lily points out.
Tom laughs. "Yes, I suppose so."
"You look a little more relaxed now, so that's something I suppose."
"I am." He doesn't have his appetite back, but he does feel better. "I assume you're not here with anyone... would you care to join me on a couch somewhere and watch some pretty boys being pretty?"
"I'm here doing some training, and my classes are done for the day," Lily says. "I'd love to sit and watch pretty boys with you."
"Then let's do just that, love." Tom holds out his hand and helps Lily up to her feet. "I could use the cuddle."
"Yes, I think you could. And if you are very lucky, I'll give you some details about my Lord and Lady," she teases, looking wicked and mysterious.
***
[Warning for discussion of an incompatible dominant/submissive dynamic, including a non-masochist trying to force himself to like pain for his dominant's sake. The situations themselves are mild, and only discussed, not on screen, but the emotional impact is explored.]
Tom hands the menu to the server and sinks back into his seat as he picks up his book.
Eating at Citadel is a safe bet now, if he wants to be out and about for a meal he doesn't have to cook himself, but if he also wants privacy. Anonymity doesn't really happen even here, but the privacy is perfect. Ken will be by later, after rehearsals, but Tom has a few hours just to be alone, but not at home.
He reaches for his tea cup without taking his eyes off the page, but over extends and ends up knocking his spoon off the table. He sighs as he puts his book down to lean over and find the spoon.
"Lovely boots," he says to the feet that arrive before he can straighten up.
"Nice arse," the voice belonging to the feet says. "At least it was... I'm assuming that some things haven't changed."
Tom recognises that voice. He stands up, and actually lifts one hand to his mouth as the other puts the spoon down on the table. His eyes go very wide and he says, "Lily?"
She laughs, eyes sparkling up at him. "You always did like my boots."
"You can pull them off in ways I never could," says Tom.
(This was always likely because of the fact that Tom is a solid foot taller than Lily. In four inch heels, Tom would even tower over his favourite Chris.)
He reaches out and touches a pale curl that tumbles over Lily's shoulder. "You let your hair grow out," he adds. "I like it."
"It was one of the first things I did after Nigel released me," Lily explains, still smiling at Tom. "I think you got taller."
"No, no, I'm standing, love. Standing. I'm not sure you've ever seen me do that."
She laughs, shaking her head. "Now that's likely very true," she admits. "There was a time I wasn't sure that you could walk, since you were always kneeling or crawling."
"That's how Andrew liked me best." Tom gestures to his table. "Do you have time to join me?"
"Yes, if you're sure," Lily says. "I wouldn't want to impose."
"You're not imposing at all," Tom assures her, pulling out a chair.
"Then I'd be glad to join you," she says, taking a seat and settling in at the table. "I imagine that these days it's hard to get time alone without someone trying to take a piece of it," Lily says. "I promise, I won't ask for an autograph for my mum or anything like that," she adds, giving him a poke with the toe of her boot.
Tom smiles indulgently. "I'm grateful for that," he says. "But yours is a very welcome face. You aren't a stranger. But... how long has it been now? Seven years? At that thing, you know, that little party Ian Williams held."
"Ian Williams... yes, I remember that," Lily says, nodding slowly. "As I recall, you didn't spent much of any time on your feet there either."
Tom laughs. "No, I didn't. Ian was always an artist with ropes, and Andrew would tell him what a beautiful canvas I make."
"Exactly. And I know that you're Tom Hiddleston, movie star, but..." Lily reaches across the table and touches his cheek with the tips of her fingers. "I look at you, and I see Thomas, Andrew's beautiful, sinfully young boy."
Tom smiles and takes her hand. "And a part of me always will be," he says. "What about you, though? What trouble are you getting into now?"
"Trouble," Lily scoffs, tossing her blond curls, eyes sparkling again. "I am a very, very good girl, as you well know," she teases. "As I said... Nigel released me some time ago," she says. "He wouldn't admit it, but I know it was because I got too old for him. He sponsored me here and paid for my membership for a year when he let me go."
"Too old," says Tom, sighing and shaking his head. "You still don't look a day over twenty-three, love. But it's good that he sponsored you in. I've only been a member for three years--well, not even that."
"You should see his latest girl... if I didn't know that they were strict about age limits here..." Lily shakes her head. "It worked out for me, in the end," she says, hand coming up to play with her collar. "They wanted someone who fit in their lives, not just someone who looked as young as legally possible. But what about you?" she asks.
Tom hesitates. "Oh... I've had some adventures," he says.
"Haven't we all?" Lily murmurs. "I know it was hard for you, after Andrew."
A server comes by with soup and salad for Tom and he looks instantly relieved for the interruption when the server asks Lily if she needs anything. Trepidation creeps back onto Tom's face when the server departs again. "Well... you know how often I've worked with Sir Kenneth over my career, don't you?"
"Sure," Lily says, leaning back in her chair. "You've done a bit of everything with him, haven't you? Plays, television, Thor, of course."
"And he's been my Sir Ken off and on for years. Years."
One of Lily's perfectly plucked eyebrows goes up. "Really? Well done, Thomas," she says, before she frowns. "Wait... why off and on?"
Tom hesitates again. He swirls his spoon idly through his soup, then drops it and sits back. "We love each other," says Tom. "I think we always will. He's taught me so much, but he needs a boy who likes pain. And I... I've ended up... I try, I try so hard for him, I do, but I can't..." He scrubs a hand through his hair.
"Tom..." Lily's frown deepens, and she reaches for his hand. "You don't like pain. I know that--I remember that," she says. "That's not something that you can just learn to take if it's not in you. Does he..." she hesitates. It's been a long time since she's seen him, longer since they were close, but in this moment, once again, she sees Andrew's Thomas across from her. "Tom, is he trying to make you into something you're not?"
"No," says Tom, quickly, shaking his head. "No, he would never. He loves me. But we do this dance, we've been doing it for a decade now. We get together, and everything is wonderful, and he dotes on me. He treats me so well, but I know that there are things he wants and needs, and he won't get them from somewhere else. He never even brought me here! He didn't want me to know, Lily. He didn't want me to know or worry that there was a way he could easily find a boy that he could..." He shakes his head. "So I try. I go to him, and I ask him to... but it always ends up with me a crying mess, or worse--with him using his safeword to end it because I can't."
She squeezes his hand. "You can't turn yourself into a masochist for him any more than I could turn myself back into an eighteen year old for Nigel, Tom," Lily says quietly.
"Sometimes I just feel like Andrew ruined me for anyone else," says Tom. "My first real relationship, and he showed me this side of myself that is as intrinsic to my being as my sexuality, and we fit together perfectly because he had no interest in my pain, and I can barely find anyone else who isn't interested in spanking me at the very least. Not until..." He hesitates again. "I'm sorry. I'm being ridiculous. You didn't come here to be my agony aunt, I'm sure."
"Perhaps not, but I'm here, Tom. And I understand. You know that I do," Lily says. She hesitates for a few moments, watching his face carefully. "Who sponsored you, Tom?" she asks quietly. "You said it yourself--Ken didn't bring you here, which means someone else did."
"Ah. Well. Someone... very special. I worked with him. We, ah, spent a very exhausting few days abroad, doing promotion for a movie, and then the next thing I knew he brought me to the local Citadel branch after we spent an extraordinary weekend having a great deal of sex. We were there for a week. It was glorious. We tried to keep in touch, and we saw each other several times, but after two years it was just... gone. He's very busy. Very... busy." He laughs, almost bitterly. "It was remarkable, and you probably wouldn't believe me if I told you who he was. Is."
"I've been a Citadel member for longer than you, Tom... there's a lot I've seen, and a lot I can believe," Lily says. "But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to. He sponsored you when you were off again with Ken, and after that..."
"He's the biggest movie star in the world. That's why it seems strange to say it--to tell someone who he is."
Lily nods slowly. "Almost like you can't quite believe it yourself?" she guesses. "Like it's rude, or arrogant to say it out loud?"
"Yes. Who runs around saying, 'Why, yes, I have fellated Iron Man and it was delightful, thank you'? I mean, I can run around saying it, but I don't, because who would honestly believe that?"
She gives his hand a tighter squeeze. "Anyone who knows you, because we know that you're not the type to lie, or brag. He was special, wasn't he?"
Tom closes his eyes. For a moment, all he can do is nod. Then he looks at Lily again. "But it seemed as though I just wasn't special enough for him to try to keep me. I was so... but then I did a thing, and Ken was there, and I suppose I slipped and fell on his cock."
"And you're back to trying to turn yourself into something you're not, once again, even though you know better."
Tom sighs and nods. "And we were in LA a week ago... I ran into Robert."
She winces. "Was it awful?"
"Seeing him again, it was like... coming home. Slipping into comfortable clothes. I shouldn't have been shocked to see him, but... Ken sent me to get him a glass of wine, and there was Robert. I would recognise him from across the room. I've had a crush on him since I was twelve, Lily. Twelve!"
"Oh, Tom," she says softly. "But if he just let you drift, didn't make an effort... you didn't do anything wrong by moving on. At least not as far as Robert is concerned. Whether it was the best choice for you is a different story, of course, but he can't blame you for that."
Tom shakes his head, distressed. "Ken came looking for me, of course. It shouldn't have taken more than a moment or two to get a glass of wine. And he showed up behind me, put his hand on my neck, and... and it just got so unbearably awkward. There was chitchat, and suddenly he was inviting Robert to eat with us. At a table for two. So I had to kneel there, and I hesitated, and I spoke out of turn and... and I know Ken did it all on purpose. He wanted to hurt Robert, but Robert barely reacted at all. He was just..." Tom shakes his head.
"We fit together so well. He wasn't interested in hurting me--physically--and he let me take care of him when we were together in ways that Ken doesn't need or want me to. But I wasn't enough, obviously, and I can't be enough for Ken, either, and I've never seen him like that. Ever. He was petty. He was never rude, he never did anything he shouldn't have. But he was just--it was almost cruel. But at the same time..." He shakes his head. "I was so thrown by everything that I misbehaved. In public."
"I don't wonder that you did, love," Lily says. "He shouldn't have just expected that of you. Not under those circumstances. I'd have safeworded," she admits. "But unless you have drastically changed, that's not you."
Tom sighs. "I know I have a safeword, and its purpose, but I just... don't use it. I know, it's very foolish. Andrew never gave me reason to. And nothing that was happening was inappropriate. Or bad. I was--I am--Ken's boy. He put me on my knees, at his feet, where I belong. And I was the one hesitating, speaking out of turn, not hurrying back to him." He'd been bad, and the very thought filled him with so much dread, that he'd spent the rest of the day--and night--being on his very best behaviour.
Not that Ken punished him. Ken never punishes him for anything. Tom isn't the sort of boy who needs it. He knows when he's misbehaved, and he corrects himself.
He shakes his head. "It just rather feels as though no one wants me."
"You said it yourself, Tom. He did it on purpose. He used your relationship, your dynamic, to be cruel to your former lover. If he'd done it to make you feel cherished, protected, that would have been different, but that's not what you described to me." Lily sighs, giving her head a bit of a shake.
"I've never seen that side of him before," Tom says, speaking to the table.
"I'm assuming that he knew that you and Robert had been together. You've had other lovers when you and Ken weren't together, but he's never acted like this before?"
"Never," says Tom. "But... well, many moons ago, Robert and Ken did a movie together and it went poorly. This was before Robert went to jail, before he got clean, turned his life around."
"So he doesn't like Robert personally. Doesn't like that you were with him. No wonder-" Lily cut herself off, shaking her head. "Sorry. Not my place."
"No wonder he used me to hurt him."
"That. And no wonder he's willing to let you keep trying to turn yourself into a masochist for him," she says, her turn to speak to the table.
Tom flinches. "I just want to make him happy."
"I know."
"He's my sir. My dom and I need to be a good boy for him."
"Yes, you do. And part of that is knowing your limits. Do you enjoy pain? For your own sake, or if not, do you enjoy it for his sake? Does knowing that it brings him pride and pleasure, that you're enduring it for him, does it make it bearable?"
"I don't like it. I try to, but... but I think it hurts him, too. He doesn't like it when I'm gritting my teeth and doing it again and again, just for him. He hates that I'm 'enduring it'... and I think that he hates it that I keep asking to try, because he can't seem to say no. He wants me to want it. To like it. And so it starts all over again, when I literally crawl to him and ask him to spank me."
"He should be saying no," Lily says, voice still very soft. "It's his job. As long as he has that hope, that expectation, you're going to keep trying to meet it, whether you should or not. Because all you've ever wanted is to be someone's good boy."
Tom closes his eyes and nods. He knows this. Deep down, he knows this.
His soup and tea must have gone cold by now. He sighs and looks at Lily again. "I thought I was a good boy for Robert."
"Personally? I think you can do better than either of them," Lily says bluntly. "But if nothing else, Robert shows you that Andrew wasn't the only dom in the world who wanted a submissive, but not a masochist. You don't have to settle, and you certainly don't need to try and turn yourself into something you're not."
Tom manages to give Lily a genuine, though small, smile. "Perhaps you're right."
"Of course I am," she says, with another toss of her perfect curls. "That doesn't mean it's easy to hear... or to change."
"You're likely very right about that, too."
"I think you deserve to be happy," Lily says. "And I remember what you looked like when you were."
"What did I look like then, besides ridiculously young?"
"At peace," Lily says. "Even though you were ridiculously young, even though you were still learning, you had such peace. Such certainty of who and what you were."
Tom sighs softly. "Because I was--I did. I was someone's boy. Someone's good boy. I didn't have to be anything else."
"You still don't," Lily says. "You just need the right person."
Tom nods. "You have no idea how gutted I felt when Robert just..." He shook his head. "And how disappointed I am in Ken."
"Andrew would have wanted better for you. Insisted you deserved better. No, they're not abusive or monsters, but it doesn't sound like either of them put you first," Lily says.
Tom hesitates, sighs, and shakes his head. "No, it doesn't, does it?" His lips twitch into a sad little smile. "I suppose being a member of Citadel means I might have better luck finding someone who will let me be a boy the way Andrew did. Who wants those same things."
"It does," Lily says. "It removes so much of the guesswork when you can look people up by profile."
Tom sighs, finally pushes his food away, and crosses his elbows on the table as he leans forward. "It's just that Robert and I were so compatible... perfectly so. Everything fit together, Lily. Everything. I just can't figure out what I did wrong besides be in a different part of the world."
"Maybe that is the only thing that was wrong," Lily says. "Was he blowing you off, or was it legitimate?"
"He wasn't blowing me off," says Tom, slowly. "We kept missing each other... contact got further and further apart... he was so, so busy."
"If that isn't ever going to change, then you're better off without him," Lily says. "But you seem more broken up about losing him than you do about the man who is currently your dominant."
"Ken and I have done this dance before. I've broken his heart before. I can be the bad guy again if I need to."
"He's not innocent in this either, Tom. Yes, you should know better than to keep trying for something that isn't you, but he keeps allowing it because he hopes this time it will take."
"Do you have any idea how badly I want to be able to like it? To take it?"
"Yes. And I know that it's as likely to work if you keep forcing it as if you tried to force yourself to like women sexually by eating me out over and over again."
Tom sighs and scrubs a hand over his hair. "I know. I do. I suppose this is just... something I have to do for myself."
"You don't have to do it all alone," Lily says. "No reason it needs to be seven years until we speak again."
Tom smiles and reaches for her hand. "It really is silly of us not to have kept in touch. We've known each other so long."
"It's hard to know how to go out and approach someone who's become terribly famous, particularly when you were there for some of the naughtier bits of their past," Lily points out.
Tom laughs. "Yes, I suppose so."
"You look a little more relaxed now, so that's something I suppose."
"I am." He doesn't have his appetite back, but he does feel better. "I assume you're not here with anyone... would you care to join me on a couch somewhere and watch some pretty boys being pretty?"
"I'm here doing some training, and my classes are done for the day," Lily says. "I'd love to sit and watch pretty boys with you."
"Then let's do just that, love." Tom holds out his hand and helps Lily up to her feet. "I could use the cuddle."
"Yes, I think you could. And if you are very lucky, I'll give you some details about my Lord and Lady," she teases, looking wicked and mysterious.
